When the pressure is too much…

We’ve been in a home office for just almost 1.5 years, the workload feels like it’s increasing every day and even I (who loves her job) are feeling like everything seems to get more heavy day by day. 

In german we would say, the air is out… and now what? Even if the news of positive messages (Corona numbers are going down, new vaccination dates,..) are increasing and slowly a light at the end of the tunnel can be seen, this is no longer enough to keep the motivation high. Exhaustion sets in and even a joking comment can escalate the mood. 

Experts recommend in the Harvard Business Review or Manager Magazin that you should focus on long-term goals with the team. I did so, and it helped… for a while, but also the prospect of everything that is coming or even what we have achieved – is no longer enough. 

I feel how some team members withdraw… because there is not only the professional struggle… also the private life is not easy for some people right now. Whether single (struggling with loneliness), couples or shared flats (struggling with too little space), people who moved here and mis cabin fever is spreading. 

In my team, I observe two types of behaviors that are becoming more and more apparent. The ones who withdraw and become quieter and the others who use every chance to express their frustration. At this point it should be said again that I am not a psychologist or similar. I just want to share my observations here and give tips and suggestions on how I deal with it / have dealt with it.

People who withdraw:

It’s always important to remember that you can’t force anyone to open up and talk about their problems & challenges. Even though you would like to help and it can be hard just to watch, but sometimes the best & hardest thing you can do is give them space & time. Here are a few tips:

1. I approach the person in my weekly 1:1 about it and just describe my observation that I notice the person is not doing well. Always pointing out that the person doesn’t have to talk to me about what’s bothering them, but they always can if they want to. I have noticed that just saying that you notice it and you care – helps the person. 
2. I invite the person to go for a walk – two people are allowed to do that. And even if you don’t talk about the problem (as I said, you shouldn’t force anyone), taking the time to do so is appreciated by many. 
3. I am open and admit that I also struggle. Depending on the situation I tell about my experiences. I think it is important for me to show my team members that they are not alone. 
4. Sometimes it just takes a small sign of attention to show that you are there for them. I like to surprise my team with flowers or other things.
5. The hardest part – I give them space and time to decide for themselves if and how they want my help. After I tell them that I see that they are not doing well – I leave it up to them if they want to go for a walk with me or talk to me about their challenges. Everyone deals with challenges differently – some need their privacy others want to talk about it. This should be respected – but still observed. If I notice that the situation is not improving, I talk to the person again or try to have a conversation with him/her in person under another pretext. 

People who vent their anger and frustration at any possible moment

Here it is important to observe the situation and draw a line if the person does not change his/her mood. Normally I would say (if we were not in this exceptional situation) that a bad-tempered and grumbling person can usually not harm a „healthy“ team and does not lower the mood. By „healthy“ I mean a team that supports each other, accepts the opinion of others, takes care of each other and sticks together. Quite often, team members will address the person’s behaviors and by talking about it with someone else, the world usually looks very different afterwards. Nevertheless, I would observe it and also address the person about it in a 1:1.

Especially in Corona times, however, it looks different and the mood can unexpectedly change depending on the topic and the „overall mood“ of the team. Already happened to me. Instead of getting constructive feedback on something relatively trivial, I found myself in the situation of getting the frustration and bad mood off everyone and needed to calm them down. As long as this doesn’t happen too often or in every team meeting, it shouldn’t worry you. Sometimes it’s also good to gripe together and with it relieve stress. I’d rather see them pouring their hearts out to me than having their emotions pile up and someone explode or get sick at some point. Regarding the person who is constantly venting their frustration, I would do the following:

1. Observe when, how, and what the person is venting about. Is the trigger a particular issue or is the subject changing every time? 
2. Ask yourself the following questions: What situation is this person in? Is she very stressed and the constant grumbling is the outlet? Is there a private situation that triggers this behaviour? Is the person aware of their behaviour? Does the person know what triggers their behaviour?
3. In a 1:1, I would describe my observations to the person and make them aware of their behaviour and its effects. It is important to first describe only the observations and not to analyse and interpret them immediately. In a feedback seminar we learned the following formula: 
   1. Situation: Describe the situation as specific as you can be. For example: During our Team Meeting yesterday,..
   2. Behaviour: Describe the observable behaviour. Important to assume that you know what the other person is thinking or why he/she is behaving like he/she is. For example: When wanting to give an update on our new Ways of Working, you interrupted me several times with comments like „that’s no good“ or similar. 
   3. Impact: Describe how you felt in reaction to the behaviour and what where your thoughts. For example: It felt for me that you didn’t even give me a chance to explain what we want to change and which positive impact it will have. 
   4. Next Steps: Wait, give the person the chance to respond and think about the feedback. You can ask him/her how she/he feels about the feedback? If he/ she explains, ask them what we can do to change or prevent this behaviour. Align with him/her next steps.
4. I would wait and see how the person reacts and talk openly with him about it. From my experience, the person is not even aware of their behaviour and the frustration has its origin in stress or a private situation such as separation. One of my team members was totally surprised how her repartee in a meeting (she complained about too many emails, which triggered a heated debate about communication tools and all the frustration of all the team members was thrown at me (of course just my perception) felt to me. Knowing her very well, I knew that her arguments, which seemed very sharp to me, were due to too much stress and were not a personal criticism of me.
5. Continue to monitor and see if the behaviour changes. If not, openly address it again and try to find a solution together and understand why the person is behaving this way. Make them aware of how it affects you and your team members. If the person causes trouble again in a subsequent meeting, interrupt and stop the person directly and make him/her aware of his/her behaviour.

The important thing with both types of behaviour is to observe the person and I am a friend of open communication (of course only in a meeting like a 1:1). However, if you have the feeling that open communication does not help, the person withdraws even more or you have an uncomfortable feeling, I would always seek support and advice. Depending on the relationship, this could be someone from HR, a supervisor or an experienced colleague.  Here, you shouldn’t be afraid to talk to someone about it. An attitude like „I can do it on my own“ or being afraid that it will be seen as „you are not competent enough“ is completely out of place here. We want to help our team members and sometimes it takes someone from outside.